How are you planning your New Year’s Eve?
Shy, I am not. It grieves me not at all that I’m meeting no one, doing nothing that needs me to wear real pants and a bra on New Year’s Eve. I’m going to be in my pyjamas, a sweatshirt quadruple my size, dancing around an empty house, reading excerpts from my favourite books, trying to find something to watch but to no avail.
I will be home alone, it would be just me and a bottle of my choice of poison – most probably, vodka, or whatever I can afford, given the special occasion.
Speaking of special, what am I to be happy about on New Year’s Eve anyway? That a year that felt a lot dung-flavored slaps on my face is finally over? That tomorrow I will wake up, my spirit on reeking of the dung caked on it?
Okay, fine, not so morbid, not today! NEW YEAR’S EVE! 31ST DECEMBER! IMAGINARY CLEAN SLATE! Yay!
Anyhow, it gives me great pleasure to be sharing my new year’s eve routine with you all lovelies. You don’t have to be as in love with solitude as I am to enjoy following through to this guide. I promise. Yes, so:
1. Meal for millions – Cook through the evening, or carefully take your time to order food in bulk, just for yourself. A brick of chocolate chip ice cream for dinner, snacking on pasta Alfredo and the most authentic, mouthwatering, karaariest (you know, crisp?) Biryani all through the night works for me.
2. Drink like there’s no tomorrow – But remember, that there’s always a tomorrow. And it’s easy to forget that after a lot of wine, but that beautiful beauty sleep that follows drunkenness is not sleep at all, bro. It’s called passing out. So, if that’s what you wanna do, because I’m all for passing out, drink more water than wine. You’ll thank me. Just. Stay. Hydrated.
3. Paracetamol paas mein please – When you wake up on a couch, you broke by jumping on it, listening to Beedi Jaliyele, you’ll need pain killers and wait for it, more water. You’re welcome.
4. One last thing on the matter of booze – Do not get creative with your forms of alcohol. Either drink a crate of beer, a bottle of wine or some whiskey, or whatever, just don’t mix them. Because if you do, all the beautiful memories of last night will come out your mouth and who knows, even nose, in the morning.
5. 2016 is dead – Yes, it is freaking dead. What’s dead should stay dead, and even though Dean Winchester doesn’t practice what he preaches, we do. We will think nothing of any nakli baes of the past and only the very real ones – our booze and our biryani, okay? Love you too!
6. Did you miss me – Not me, obviously. Sherlock! How could I leave on such a morbid note? You know I’m such a sunshine person. First day of 2017 gives us Sherlock series four. And I’ll break down in sheer excitement if I elaborate on this point.
So, as is evident, I’m all set. I wish you the same.