I write, that’s what I do. I cannot talk and sometimes, I try to cry and manage nothing but hollow, frustrated sighs. But today, I’m looking at a picture of you. I don’t ever want to see you again, in flesh, before me, because I might lose my mind then.
But today, I can’t stop looking at you, and I can’t stop missing you.
A lot goes inside one’s body and mind when they love someone with every ounce of their existence. I’d begun to forget what it was like to love you as I did. I’d begun to become a version of you – hollow, neutral, my existence devoid of any real meaning. And then I saw you again.
I once found reason to continue, to fight and survive when I looked at you. Your smile and the lines near your eyes that come from smiling your best smile, they haunt me usually. But today I remember distinctly that they’re the very reason I ever bothered to give myself another chance. I thought I was done, too damaged to ever be happy, but then I fell in love with you.
No agony, no happiness, nothing has ever been quite like loving you. Not the most delicious food in the world, or even Harry Potter. Nothing compares to who I could have become, what we could have been if we were designed for one another.
But you wasted us. Exhausting as it is, I try to hate you now. But today, I just cannot. Therefore, I am sending my love out to you in the only way that I can. By writing you a letter that you will never read, I’m remembering that I love you.
I love you today as I did all these years ago. You never did, and that’s fine. We don’t talk to each other anymore, that’s fine too. We may never see each other again. It’s best this way because we are star-crossed in our own way, love. For, you aren’t designed to access the love you get. I’m not designed to get the love I give.
It’s all okay, you’re okay and I’m okay too.
But I miss you tonight despite myself, despite my ego, despite even my knowledge of who you are. Alright then, it’s time I bury you in my heart again.
Please take care,
I love you!